An interesting fact that I came across a number of years ago was that your brain does not actually know the difference between lived experience and imagined experience. Stated in another way: the neurological responses that the brain receives from lived experience and imagined/fantasy experience are exactly the same. Yet we have a multitude of people in the spectrum of our lives that always will tell us not to daydream. Yet it is this daydreaming and fantasy that is in actuality inducing a very positive effect for us. It is in fact this day dreaming that leads to the development of a positive self-image.
One which we are motivated to strive towards to achieve with a willingness to face any of life’s challenges until we have achieved the image that we hold centrally in our minds. When we are focused on achieving this “day dream”, we have in theory invested many waking hours focused on this image. We are invested emotionally with this image because it takes us to a magical place filled with potential and real care towards ourselves.
This is a source of meaning and purpose, which is essential in being able to face the difficulties in life. This is our source because it keeps us focused and in a position to constantly give back to the world. It feeds into our essence and makes us attractive human beings radiating an energy that affects everyone around us. When we encounter a new relationship, many if not all of us take the stance of being curious with the person we meet. What begins to happen is that once we have established a level of attraction we become naturally curious about this person. They “get under our skin” effectively. This is part of the process of falling in love and if I were to use reductionist terms we allow this new person to take a more prominent position in our hierarchy of priori)es.
We make them feel as though they are a priority by the behaviours we show and the type of focus we give them. We all in essence desire this. This is what adds to the magic because in the eyes of the other, there is no other. This is the allure of falling in love. This is the power that adds to the magic of falling in love. You’ll often hear the argument that falling in love is short lived, or there is a )me frame aKached to these loving feelings. I largely disagree with both these statements and I will explain why.
When two people fall in love, both minds collectively and in unison begin to daydream. They both daydream with intention. The intention to create a life “together”, a life filled with experience and a life which will inevitably lead to marriage and children. Society has engrained this belief system in us quite deeply. The key word that I use here is “intention”. The daydreaming is intentional and filled with hope and vision and desire and drive to achieve everything both parties want.
The next stage is what I call the “dream negotiation stage”. This is the stage where both individuals lay out their dreams and desires and what usually occurs is that the person who has the strongest vision “wins”. This might sound like a strange statement, but this is also a common mistake that many couples make. There is a natural expectation that each party comes to a compromise and surrender part of their vision for the vision of the other. Because we are in love with our partner we surrender this vision as keeping them in our lives has become more of a priority than the actual desire for what we wanted to achieve previously. Our higher purpose that we were so intent on achieving takes second place because we feel subconsciously or consciously that our partner should be our primary priority. This is the supposed done thing in society.
What makes relationships interesting is that there is a time frame to this stage too. In addition to this there is often the unspoken expectation that “if I am surrendering my vision to compromise for you, then you should do the same in equal measure”. This is seldom the case because what actually occurs is that society has conditioned men to have a “bread winner” mentality and there is an unspoken expectation that they are the ones who should be able to provide for their partner who will eventually give birth to their children, to which he will need to provide more to maintain a lifestyle.
Its round about here that all the new age women are saying “no, we don’t need a man to provide for us we can do it on our own” or “we live in the 21st century and men and women are equal and we share everything”. It’s not my intention to create an argument but I need to point out a dynamic that will always play out unless completely accepted and discussed. If either man or women prioritise their partner over and above their higher purpose there will come a point where they will inevitably begin to resent their partner for positioning them to “give up on their dream”. This is not necessarily a conscious decision we make because most people will say “I want my partner to always strive for their dreams and achieve everything they want”. But unfortunately actions speak louder than words.
There has to be a solid understanding that for a relationship to be successful both parties need to have a higher purpose no matter how big or how small. The higher purpose or meaning that we are striving towards always keeps the individual in a state of fullness in addition to adding to the ability to always be available to give love to the degree that is necessary for our partner. If both parties have a higher purpose and they are striving towards this every day with the help of their partner who is constantly behind them in pushing them to achieve this, you in essence have a person that is completely fulfilled.
The fulfilled person is always in a position to give back more than they need but it is essential that both parties are conscious of this very simple process. If both are being helped by their partner to achieve their higher vision and purpose, it is a simple state of logic that neither partner is in fact the priority of the other.
The happiness of the other becomes the priority and if we know that our partner is doing and feeling the same then we will feel equally fulfilled. A core problem that arises is when one partner does not have any vision for himself or herself. They do not have a self-image that they want to develop and help grow. They do not expect much of themselves and go with the wind. In essence they “hitch” a ride on the wave of the other and what begins to occur is that they eventually surrender to the rhythm of the other. By no means am I criticising this type of individual, as I believe this is purely a choice and there are people out there who can appreciate and love all these qualities or lack thereof.
However an expectation we should all have for the human race and ourselves is one of betterment and development as our most scarce and valuable resource is time. We have the illusion that time is on our side when in actuality it is not. Yet when we find ourselves in a position where our partner does not have any vision and they are comfortable stagnating it will inevitably feel like an anchor holding you back.
Once this realisation has set in, more often than not we will take a stance of rationalising this process with our partner through our normal means of communication with the hope that they will realise the effect that their lack of drive and desire for development is having on us. There is a real hope that our partner will respond favourably and realise the emotional burden and impact that this is causing. The hope extends to one of urgency in needing to change. This is not necessarily a need for immediate change but one where we do become more aware of the others movements. This can be perceived as being critical and judgmental but in actuality it is the first of the many signs that ones desire to be in the relationship is slowly waning.
This is very much a warning sign as we all have different thresholds when it comes to waiting for another person to change and grow regardless of how much we love them. Ultimately, if two people are not constantly striving to be aligned then there will be the eventuality of some type of lagging behind. The hope is that both parties can be attuned to this and aware enough to make the necessary changes. I do believe that it is essential to be very realistic in a relationship and know when it is the right time to fight for the relationship in equal measure to when its time to allow the ending to occur. Ultimately the power of joint focus will lend to immeasurable success and happiness for both parties. Add love into the mix and you have an unbreakable bond. However having someone in your life that does not grasp the concept of joint vision will lead to hindering the couple and your own success.